2am restlessness
Today was another one of those days when I basically didn’t move from the seat where I am currently sitting. Other than eating dinner, I was in this chair from about 2pm until about 2am. I eventually realized that if I didn’t do something, I wouldn’t fall asleep until I was completely spoonless, and just physically could not stay up any longer, but that would probably mean being up until daylight. I decided, as I normally do, to walk to the Wawa market up the road from me, but I had to find some money before I did. I felt like I was stealing the few dollars I did find laying around, but I needed to. Am I entitled to random money sitting around my house? I don’t think so. However, I DO feel entitled to some mental relief from not having a reason to move all day. I know, to some people, that this whole rant will sound immature, but until you get it, you don’t get it.
I don’t do this every day, nor do I ever plan to. The major problem is that nothing really happens spontaneously for me. Everything is planned, often days in advance, and it is easy to get sick of it. There are three reasons I walk to Wawa. The first is that it’s open 24/7, so the time of day doesn’t matter. Secondly, it’s a reasonable walk for me. Lastly, it makes it easy to explain if I would get stopped by a cop. I realize I’m not entitled to pure freedom, I can’t afford it (financially). No, I don’t have a job, but should that mean I have to be stuck at home until somebody “graciously” gives me a little bit of money? If you believe I should, you’ll have a ridiculously difficult time proving your point to me. It’s not always easy to explain this to people and sound rational about it. One of these irrational things I say, but don’t necessarily mean, is that I could either “grab $5 and get out of here for an hour, or get out of here by burning this place down.” Do I have any real urge/thought/desire to burn my house down? hell no, I just need to escape from here occasionally and not have to answer to my mother about where I went, why I went there, what I did, etc. I don’t care if it’s not my money, my sanity depends on my ability to do this occasionally.
On the other hand, the cashier at the Wawa tonight was very cool. When I got there, she had just come out on a break and lit a cigarette. I started talking with her a bit because she’s seen me around late at night and all that. She asked me about my disability, I gladly explained. Before I could explain though, she told me about her sister who had been in an accident and became a quadriplegic before she was two years old. After I told her that I was born with CP and a general bit about how it affects me, she was finished with her cigarette and we walked into the store. I made my purchase, and just before i turned around to leave, she tells me to go fill up a soda so that I would “have something to drink on the walk home”. I’ll probably get screamed at tomorrow for taking that money, but personally, I wouldn’t worry about $5 if my child’s sanity depended on little things like this.
There’s no easy way for me to do this or explain it. I can’t completely win if I make either choice. I get yelled at when I sit here on the computer all day (which I do to keep myself occupied and connect to my friends), and I get yelled at when that’s not enough for me anymore, because my leaving the house costs money I don’t have. Excuse me if sitting at home drives me insane, but I can’t just go take a job anywhere I want, so until then, I need to do what I can to keep myself relatively sane and be within reason.
It is awesome to know that there are still a few good people out there who get it. I wish I could spend more time around them. If I could, this walk and this rant would no longer be necessary.
